The Dommy Mommies of Nature: Hyenas and Anglerfish

Did you know that animals have sex? It’s true. Not only that, but some do it very differently from how we humans do it. 

I got into another argument with my Nemesister, this time about our favorite sea life. Her favorite is the anglerfish because of how they mate while mine is the cuttlefish. But since we were on the topic of weird reproductive strategies I brought up the hyena. 

We may have also spliced them with human DNA. Y’know, as you do. Don’t read too much into our motives. They were originally supposed to be a cell culture in a petri dish, I’m honestly not sure how *that* happened. Anyways, now I’m doing a small research project to justify having done that.

Table of Contents:

• Anglerfish
• Hyenas
• Evolution of Sexual Dimorphism
• Hyena Girlbosses
• Addendum

Anglerfish

Anglerfish live in the deep ocean which is an extremely harsh environment. Besides the abject darkness and crushing pressure, the hardest part of living there is the lack of food. So pretty much the same as college science majors. And like college students, the angler fish had to adapt with extreme pressure resistance, bioluminescence, and a low metabolism to conserve energy.

Not that college students develop bioluminescence, at least not usually. We adapt by developing a Red Bull addiction and setting time aside in our schedules for a daily crying session. Totally healthy behavior.

You may be familiar with anglerfish, they are one of the most famous deep sea species. They have massive needle teeth which are perfect for holding on to slippery fish. They also have glowing lures which attract prey right to them.

One of the anglerfish’s adaptations, however, is very strange. Angler fish females are much larger than the males, which given the Internet’s recent obsession with a certain Romanian vampire mommy, many of you are envious of. 

The bottom of the ocean is so sparse that two members of the same species very rarely happen to run into each other, much less those of opposite genders. So it’s pretty common for deep sea species to make the most of these rare opportunities and immediately mate with each other. Anglerfish are no exception, but they take it to the extreme. 

Whenever a male angler fish encounters a female angler fish he will bite her and never let go. Eventually, he will begin to fuse with the female at the cellular level and be absorbed until there is nothing left of him but the testicles. This lets them make the most of these rare encounters and can mate whenever without wasting any energy on unnecessary things like any part of the male except the genitalia. Single females can amass collections of up to eight. 

Now, I know this sounds weird, but let’s be honest. With how many guys wish a tall tomboy GF would crush their head between their thighs like a melon and how many girls complain about wanting to replace their BF with a dildo, don’t act like you aren’t jealous of anglerfish relationships. They clearly have this figured out.

Hyenas

Look, there is no easy way for me to say this, but it’s something you need to know. Female hyenas have dicks. They are also natural dominatrixes. Before you go off and draw some info-hazardous paintings, you furry futa enthusiasts, read on. Life can never be that simple.

Female hyenas aren’t hermaphroditic. The pseudopenis is actually just a modified labia and clitoris, i.e. an extension of the vagina. They have to give birth through it. ¹FUN FACT: hyenas also have the largest-sized cubs relative to the mother’s size of any carnivoran. If there’s a god they must have thought that was funny, I guess. As many as a third of hyena babies suffocate during this and will likely result in the mom’s pseudopenis being torn open.

So why though? Why did God curse hyenas with this? Why did I curse you with this knowledge? I can not answer either of those questions with any degree of certainty, only give you the best guesses science has to offer.

Hyenas have a highly matriarchal society. If you are fed up with the human patriarchy you might think this is a good thing. Yeah, no. Their matriarchy is more severe and unequal than even the most misogynistic of human cultures.

Big claim, I know. But having to wear a burqa and having no rights is still better than being exiled from your pack once you come of age. Or being beaten by the dominant females within an inch of your life just to be accepted into a new pack (or often beaten to death). Or living in a society with so little social mobility that even the highest ranking male is still lower than the lowest female. Or having to eat after everyone else, often to the point of being malnourished or starving to death if there isn’t enough to go around. At least in most human countries the wives/concubines of powerful men can expect a better life than homeless male peasants.  

Hyenas are an odd example where the temperaments you tend to associate with genders are switched. In many social species, males are more violent and dominant than females and females are more passive and submissive. I’m not saying that’s the way it should be. Especially in an enlightened human society. But lots of animals tend to evolve to do things that way, our ancestors being no exception.

Evolution of Sexual Dimorphism

The reason why this arrangement evolves so often is because of pregnancy. Females spend massive amounts of calories and nutrients to make a baby. They also dedicate a substantially larger amount of time. Not even accounting for raising the baby as many species don’t, the actual process of making the thing can require months of pregnancy from the mother and from the father, optimistically, five seconds. 

This, in a way, means that females are inherently more valuable to a species than males because they are the bottleneck. If half the women in a tribe or pack die the population will take generations to bounce back. But if half the males die the survivors can just impregnate two females each and the next generation will be just as big. So, if you’re gonna have a lot of people die, you’d rather it be the guys. Evolutionarily speaking.

This is why males tend to be bigger, braver, and more violent in social species. Bulls are built to protect the cows and calves in their herd by fighting off predators, etc. Someone has to do it after all. You might not be able to just have both genders be that big since the females need to devote those extra calories to making babies instead of making muscles.

But, since the males are now bigger and stronger than the females, that means they can probably rape them as well. They might also be able to just kill all the other weaker males and have all the chicks to themselves. That would be evolutionarily advantageous to them since they will pass on more of their genes to the next generation with a lot more kids. But you could imagine that’s not as great for the females. Y’know, patriarchy and all that.

Hyena Girlbosses

So why is it that Hyenas are the opposite? The females are the bigger and more aggressive ones. It’s probably because the pesudopenis makes them immune to rape. Just think of it (yes you have to): sticking your dick inside another dick when you don’t have opposable thumbs is gonna be difficult²This said “hard enough” before I realized the double entendre enough even if the partner is cooperating. 

So now that rape is out of the question, there isn’t any reason for male Hyenas to be bigger. Hyenas don’t need big dumb jocks to fight off predators. Predators don’t fuck with Hyenas because they know that one stray bite means they lose a limb. Hyenas have a bite strength so high that they can chew up and swallow solid bone. THEY LITERALLY EAT BONES FOR BREAKFAST. In many cases, predators pay the local hyenas protection money by giving up their kills if some hyenas decide it would be better if they had it instead. There is an exception for lions who do often fuck with hyenas, but that fight can also go either way depending on numbers.

So, considering that African hyenas have to deal with frequent famines thanks to regular years long droughts in the savannah, the best way to use the “disposable” gender is as a starvation buffer. If someone’s gonna starve to death, it’s probably better if it’s a guy instead of a potential mother. So Hyenas evolved a social hierarchy where males always get bottom billing for food. Since this isn’t ideal for the males, the females evolved to be the ones to enforce it.

Unlike most other species with instinctual sexism, where patriarchal males can get away with doing just about anything to the females as long as they don’t kill them, hyenas don’t have such weaknesses. They totally can kill males. This is why they often beat them within an inch of their life. If this kills them, that means they probably didn’t have good genes anyways and weren’t worth adding to the pack.

Some feminist extremists and guys with weird kinks might still think this is a better arrangement. And well, yeah, not sure of a good argument to convince you there besides the obvious moral one. Other than the whole giving birth through a pesudopenis causing it to split open thing. Yeah. Humans are smart enough to invent painkillers for when our lady bits get torn open. Now we can all be glad we’re not hyenas, unless you’re into that.

Addendum

So which is your favorite? There are comments below no one uses, maybe you should change that and argue about your favorite weird animal genitals! I can’t imagine a better way to spend an afternoon.