Subbasement 7: Bedrock Foundation

Me and my lab assistant Igor were in the deepest subbasement of one of my secret labs when I heard a warning alarm over the site’s PA.

“Attention; Code Red Security Alert! The site is under attack. Please stand by to destroy incrimina-” The PA says before cutting out with a buzz as the lights shut off.

The site had just lost power, casting us into complete darkness. I’d like to say that this was due to some kind of coordinated attack and the enemy had people on the inside, but honestly, I think we just forgot to pay our electric bill again.

I am a mad scientist named Dr. Erkon. I own many secret labs (I have to, superheroes keep throwing them into space.) And at the moment, I was at the very bottom of one such lab, the Hyde Heavy Containment Facility. This place started out as a small lab for the R&D of monsters and super soldiers and other genetic modification/cybernetics work. We usually get the whole ‘monstrous ability to rip people limb from limb’ aspect down before we can get the whole ‘follows orders and doesn’t kill us’ thing. So as time went on it became necessary to drill deeper and build a fortified prison/bunker complex to contain and conceal all the prototypes and test subjects. 

We’ve dug so deep and so greedily that we need to drill directly into bedrock to make this new subbasement. I thought that would look cool so I went down there to check it out, and it was! Totally worth it.

We waited with bated breath for the backup generator to switch on, but it never did. 

“Uh, Boss?” Came the voice of a minion through the darkness.

“Yeah?” 

“I think I might’ve forgotten to reconnect the backup generator last time I fixed it.” He said, fear in his voice.

“Well, at least you’re honest. C’mon, let’s go do that now! You got a flashlight?” We dick around in the dark trying to fix the generator. Being a mad scientist, I managed to MacGyver it back into working order using some pocket lint and a shiny bit of rock I found.

Igor tries to call the elevator, which beeps *access denied*.

I’ve always wanted a lab assistant named Igor. Every true mad scientist needs their own Igor. A faithful lab assistant and confidant willing to commit any atrocity without question and who is much less attractive than you. Unfortunately, those are hard to find. But I do have an unpaid graduate student, and he’s even named Igor!

Igor is some kind of Eastern European studying in America. Specifically, he’s going to Lanyon University, which is also one of my secret labs (college kids make good meat shields, y’know?). Though it does mean I have to mentor and explain things to him, which is a great excuse for exposition dumps.

I explained that, in order to slow down superheroes attacking the base, only the elevator can go directly from the lower to upper levels of the facility. During security lockdowns the elevators shut off forcing you to use the stairs. 

But each floor’s stairs only connect to the floor above it and you need to go all the way through to the other side of the floor to get to the other stairwell. This way, during a security lockdown the good guys will have to fight their way through every single floor against a linear series of enemies and minibosses, during which they’ll get progressively stronger and gather all the legendary weapons we have scattered around.

Yes, this is a horrible fire safety hazard. Luckily, as an international crime organization, we don’t need to listen to OSHA. We do listen to the IRS, though. They got Al Capone on tax evasion, y’know?

We set off climbing the stairs.

Subbasement 6: Pataphysics Department and Extradimensional Containment

We walked into the lobby of the nicely furnished Pataphysics department to the sound of distant echoing screams. But the lobby really was quite nice. There were framed posters of various famous fairy tales and diagrams of the hero’s journey. 

This is where we keep my patented ‘Dimension Travelinator’ that allows us to travel to alternate pataphysical layers in the multiverse (thus enabling canonical crossovers with other IPs) and also where we keep all the stuff we kidnap using said Travelinator. 

***

‘Pataphysics was invented by the french writer Alfred Jarry in 1893 as a parody of science. He defined it as the “study of imaginary solutions”. 

You may have noticed the odd apostrophe in front of ‘Pataphysics. Allegedly, this is because ‘pataphysics is a contraction of the greek phrase τὰ ἐπὶ τὰ μεταφυσικά (ta epi ta metaphysika) which means “that which is above metaphysics”. Jarry mandates the apostrophe to avoid a pun. This obviously makes no grammatical sense in English, but I guess it does if you’re French.

Mercifully, the pataphysics department does not study ‘pataphysics. It studies pataphysics, which is a concept we stole from our rivals in the SCP Foundation. 

***

Suddenly, an incredibly unenthusiastic and self-pitying voice crackled over the floor’s PA system. “Alert… Gilgamesh has escaped containment and is now slaughtering people indiscriminately in some kind of solipsistic rampage. Some jackass decided it was a good idea to use cheap electric locks for his cell that stop working if the power goes out. And that jackass was meeeee.” 

The voice cut out with the sound of someone clumsily scratching the phone on the hook. That sounded like the director of this floor, Prof. PhD. I don’t normally trust humanities majors on principle, much less ones that make having student loan debt a personality trait, but Prof. PhD has proven to be reliable before. We walked down to his office, careful to step over the bodies of beheaded henchmen. 

His office was filled with loose papers and seriously overburdened bookshelves. Not to mention numerous souvenirs from his extradimensional expeditions; a top, an origami unicorn, a human skull, etc. The room smelled of old paper and absinthe. 

Prof. PhD was seated in a worn out leather chair behind his messy desk. He had such a great dark academia aesthetic that his tweed jacket had houndstooth elbow patches just so he could comfortably rest his elbows on tables, which is supremely impolite and establishes his dominance at the company evil barbeques.

He mumbled unenergetically at us. “Hey. I’m the cliche-themed miniboss of this floor, Prof. PhD. ¹The PhD stands for Placeholder Doctorate. And yes, I just said a footnote. Welcome to the pataphysics department. Subbasement 6; where you can’t get any further from the sun. At least until that subbasement you came from is finished. I don’t envy the poor bastards that’ll have to work down there.”

“Oh, that’ll also be you! Pataphysics is getting a huge budget increase next quarter. Two whole floors!” I beamed.

He sighed. “Stupendous.”

“Is something wrong?” Igor asked.

“Other than the rampaging Sumerian legend? Not much. Just that the whole reason I exist is to exposit about pataphysics, which is basically if breaking the third wall was a science. There. The SCP-Foundation needed 18 articles to explain that. Anyway; life is meaningless, we’re all fictional, and our entire universe is controlled by some blogger kid from Illinois.”

“What?”

“Don’t worry about it. Hey, kid, you wanna know why Firefly was canceled? We tried to steal the Serenity, but it was bigger than anticipated, so it got torn apart in transit. Got a chunk of it here on my desk. I use it as a candy bowl for anyone who comes to visit me, isn’t that nice? There’s licorice in there now, if you want any.” 

“W-what?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

***

In “real” universes, “real” things happen for no reason whatsoever other than the laws of physics. AKA, determinism. It follows that, if it’s possible for fictional universes to create many of their own functional universes with limitless nesting, that it’s most likely that the vast majority of universes in the multiverse are not “real” and controlled by an author in a higher plane of reality. AKA simulation theory.

In these “fictional” universes, events usually follow the laws of physics. But they can also violate their deterministic path according to the whims of the author. 

These “fictional” events usually follow some kind of narrative logic, on which the entire field of applied pataphysics is based. If you know enough about tropes to recognize when they start happening around you, you can also exploit them. This ability is in itself a trope, and so only works after you’ve already been drawn into a plotline.

***

“Oh, by the way, look at this gun. It’s Chekhov’s gun. I fucking stole it. See? Great, now I’ll have to use it later. Maybe I’ll blow my own brains out. Wouldn’t that be swell?” Prof. PhD said, pulling an old-looking revolver from a desk drawer. ²‘Oh, did Anton Chekhov even own a gun?’ I hear you ask. I don’t know, that would require a level of historical research beyond skimming his Wikipedia page. But if he didn’t then it’s because we stole it!

PhD led us out his office and explained that Gilgamesh has escaped containment and is indiscriminately slaughtering people while yelling about how he isn’t real. So we should go stop him from doing that. Replacing all those personnel would be a huge pain.

I said, aghast. “How could he? Gilgamesh is a hero! His story must have inspired hundreds of millions, if not billions, throughout history. People have learned to cope with death, not to mention the debatable queer representation.”

“Have you actually read the Epic of Gilgamesh? He’s always been kind of an asshole. Most heroes from antiquity are, not that I think of it.”

I haven’t actually, but I have watched a video essay about the Epic of Gilgamesh on YouTube.

This kind of thing always happens when you try to explain pataphysics to fictional characters. Luckily, you are probably not a fictional character (or are you?) so I can totally explain pataphysics at you.

***

Most people in any universe are “real”, i.e. never mentioned by name. So they live their lives deterministically. But some may have a dimension of fiction after they get drawn into a plotline by the author. They will have more fictional events occur to them and their actions will often be controlled by the authorial deity, even if they think they are doing it themself. 

Of course, this doesn’t mean characters have lost their free will or anything, they didn’t have any to begin with, remember? Determinism. Free will is an illusion; you are a flesh automaton animated by neurotransmitters. 

Becoming fictional might seem like a great boon, as you get plot armor and narrativistic powers. But that also depends on what kind of character you are. There are lots of rules governing the interactions of antagonists and protagonists, of course. And most characters will be some kind of archetype devoid of any depth and personality, the degree to which is directly proportional to how much of a lazy hack the author is.

I myself am a pataphysical anomaly. Basically, if you read all the mad scientist-related tropes on TVTropes.com, that’s my superpower. I have unrealistically broad scientific expertise, but also have selective memory based on the needs of the plot. I can routinely break the laws of physics and logic to create doomsday devices and other MacGuffins. 

I also can’t be defeated permanently. I usually make a quick getaway while laughing maniacally. Even if I die, that just gets retconned so I can return as the next villain of the week.

But, it’s virtually impossible for me to ever actually win against protagonists. Even when I do win, the protagonist just goes back in time to defeat me in the past so that I never make my evil empire in the first place or some bullshit. Good guys always win and all that.

I’m also a queer-coded villain. I used to be a super straight masculine man full of manliness, but as soon as I committed my first evil scheme I transformed into an unambiguously gay femboy. Beware the flamboyant villain pipeline.

***

Prof. PhD led us to the Dimension Travelinator Chamber where we saw Gilgamesh brandishing Excalibur at a member of the science team. 

“Work your sorcery upon this mechanism! Make it work for me! 

“W-where to?”

“To the real world! So I may force the Gods to retcon the death of my Enkidu!”

The scientist balked. “You can’t do that! Enkidu dying was the call to action that set off your character arc! Trying to undo that would completely invalidate your whole story! It would destroy both our worlds!”

“Would it really?” I asked Prof. PhD.

“Most likely. For the dramatic tension. How exciting.”

Gilgamesh held Excalibur against the technician’s throat. “Be silent! Do you think I care if you die? Do you think I care if I die? Not any of this is real! For we are merely characters for the amusement of the Gods’. I’ll take any risk if there’s the smallest chance of seeing him again! Now, do it!”

The minion reluctantly activated the device. A great swirling vortex of light and pages opened in the aperture behind them. The vortex pulsated, glimpses of infinite worlds streaming past the aperture; each stranger than the last. The vortex stabilized, slowly focusing in on a small blue and green planet.

Prof. PhD took out a piece of licorice from his overcoat and dwelled on how it’s an extremely skillful and very subtle symbolism on the author’s part. 

He jumps out and yells at Gilgamesh. “How could you say that? We do have meaning! If anything, being characters means we have more meaning than if we were real! Real life may be meaningless, but our lives are made for the purpose of inspiring others! Of teaching and entertaining them! And you’d just take that away?”

Gilgamesh looks at him, thoughtfully, his braided beard swept back by the portal wind. “But, I don’t care about that.”

Prof. PhD rolled his eyes, whipped out Checkov’s gun and shot Gilgamesh in the face.

“Did I just have character development? How dreadful.”

This is the first issue in a multipart series! Click here for issue 2, Hazardous Materials!