Meet the Chemiballs: the Nuclear Nucleic Acids

You probably remember from highschool biology that Nucleic acids are the chemicals that make up DNA, that mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell, and exactly nothing else. So here’s a quick refresher: DNA is made of a chain of nucleotides that come in four(ish) flavors: A T C and G and they each connect with their loved one in the opposing strand, as DNA is made of a double helix.

A problem I had when writing this was if I should use the names of the nitrogenous base¹the base molecule consisting of a purine ring or a pyrimidine ring, the nucleoside²that but with the ribose, or the nucleotide³a nitrogenous base but with the ribose and a phosphate group needed to form the backbone of DNA. Because the gods of chemistry hate students, each one has a slightly different name depending on if it’s the nitrogenous base, a nucleoside, or the nucleotide. It also changes if it’s DNA or RNA. I didn’t really want to explain why I was switching between calling it Adenineball, Adenosineball, or Deoxyadenosine-5-monophosphateball, so I’m just gonna only use the nitrogenous base name as that’s what most people are most familiar with anyways.

Adenineball: The Adonis Fuckboy Nucleotide

Adenineball is in love with Thymineball. But when in RNA, he cheat on her with her twin sister Uracilball. Adenine was named by 19th century German chemist Albrecht Kossel after the Greek word “adēn” which means gland, as he discovered it in an ox’s pancreas. Probably could have just as easily found it in any other part of the ox, or in any living thing for that matter, but whatever. You do you, Albrecht Kossel.

He is what is known as a purine. Purines are nitrogen rich molecules made of a hexagonal and a pentagonal ring. Hence why I’ve drawn him with one hexagon eye and one pentagon eye. Guanineball, caffeine, uric acid, and theobromine (the chocolate chemical) are also purines.

Adenosine also moonlights as a delivery guy and carries triphosphate groups, in which case he’s known as Adenosine-5-triphosphate (or ATP). Other times he is Nicotinamide Adenine Dinucleotide (NAD+ / NADH) where he carries electrons in the electron transport chain. Adenosine is also used as the hormone in the brain that causes tiredness, because why not? Evolution loves reusing stuff. Caffeine makes you feel less tired as, being a purine, he resembles adenine closely enough to bind to adenosine receptors, but not well enough to actually trigger them.

Uracilball: the RNA Nucleotide

Uracilball is in love with Adenineball, but this is a unhealthy relationship since Adenineball is cheating on her with her sister Thymineball. Uracil, thymine, and cytosine are pyrimidines, which are like purines but without the pentagonal ring. For the purposes of this dating analogy/anthropomorphism, I’m portraying pyrimidines as female and purines as male.

The name Uracil comes from another German chemist, named Robert Behrend, after urine as he discovered it when trying to make derivatives of uric acid. Uric Acid has a funny name for a reason, it’s a purine made by stapling urea molecules together for the purpose of making peeing more efficient. You’ve likely seen it before. The white stuff in birdpoo is mostly uric acid, as it’s technically the bird’s semi-solid urine. Uric acid doesn’t need to be watered down like our urea-based pee does, which saves weight. Anyways, that means Uracil was indirectly named after urine. How rude!

It is thought that, an extremly long time ago, all life had only uracil in their DNA and no thymine. But uracil is chemically unstable and can spontaneously transform into a cytosine, causing a mutation. Thymine is almost identical to uracil with the exception of having an extra methyl group making it more stable. So life just evolved to methylate all the uracils in their DNA, turning them into thymines. But they didn’t do that in RNA because RNA doesn’t usually stick around long enough to mutate anyways. Therefore, she argues, Adenineball was originally Uracilball’s man and Thymineball is a stuckup homewrecker.

Thymineball: The Homewrecker Nucleotide

Thymineball is in love with Deoxyadenosineball, which is actually just Adenineball, her sister’s boyfriend, in a clever disguise. German chemists Albrecht Kossel and Albert Neumann discovered thymine in the thymus of a calf, hence it’s name. 

Thymine is also known for causing a common type of mutation known as a thymine dimer. When two adjacent thymines are hit by UV radiation, they get fed up with Adenine’s bullshit and start a lesbian relationship with each other, fusing through a cyclohexane ring. And that’s why we wear sunblock; perpetuating abusive heteronormative relationships. 

Guanineball: The Most Unfortunately Named Nucleotide

Guanineball is in love with Cytosine. You can also tell that Cytosineball and Guanineball’s relationship is rock solid. Cytosine forms three hydrogen bonds with Guanine while Adenine and Thymine/Uracil’s only form two. DNA with lots of C G bonds is noticeably harder to separate.

He was named after Guano because that was the first place he was discovered. German chemist Julius Bodo Unger surely out of spite for his own silly name. This is unfair since guanine is present in literally every cell of literally every living thing. Adenineball teases Guanineball for this relentlessly. 

Pure, crystalline guanine is iridescent. Many iridescent fish scales and pearls are so because they’re full of guanine. The cosmetics industry also uses Guanine for its luster.

Cytosineball: The Meth Head Nucleotide

Cytosineball is a pyrimidine who is in a healthy relationship with Guanineball. Even unmarried Guanine and Cytosines work well with each other as they are the basis of DNA methylation. If you don’t know the significance of that, look up epigenetics, but in short: methylation is when the cell attaches a Methaneball on top of a gene to temporarily stop it from doing stuff. Specifically, methyl groups get attached Cytosineball turning her into a 5-Methylcytosineball, but only if she is adjacent to a Guanineball. This physically stops the gene from being transcribed as the cellular machinery doesn’t fit anymore. In RNA, adenine can also be methylated forming N6-methyladenine, because Adenineball does everything apparently. He’s like the Johnny Sins of biochemicals.

You might be expecting cytosine was named after cytoplasm. But no, Albrecht Kossel and Albert Neumann named it after the Greek word “kútos” which means “skin”. Obviously because it was also discovered inside of a calf’s thymus. 

You will notice that a lot of biochemicals were named by German chemists after gross cow parts they were discovered in. Taurine, a chemical found in Red Bull, was named such because it was discovered by German chemists Friedrich Tiedemann and Leopold Gmelin in bull bile. The Latin word for bull is taurus. It coming from the bull’s semen is a myth, though I really wouldn’t be surprised given these German chemists. Our friend Albrecht Kossel discovered the basic amino acid histidine in sturgeon semen. Cystine was discovered in bladder stones and named after the Greek word for bladder, but by an English chemist named William Hyde Wollaston. So I guess it’s more of 19th century chemists than just German ones.

So now you can know that, thanks to Germany, your very DNA is literally made out of birdpooine, peeacil, skinine, pancreasine, and, uh, thymine…

some references

https://chemtymology.co.uk/2020/11/21/histidine/