Why do Humans have Such Big Boobs? (They’re Not Just for Milk)

You probably already know by now that boobs make milk. In fact, that might’ve literally been the first thing you learned. Turns out, babies tend to live a bit longer when fed, and you can’t always find jars of baby formula just lying in the middle of the woods, so it’s good to always have a supply of milk.

But why are they so big and sexy? Humans are the only species whose females have enlarged breasts their whole lives after puberty. All other mammals only grow their tits when they’re pregnant and lactating, y’know, when you actually need them. 

Even dairy cows need to be pregnant for their utters to grow and start producing milk. This despite the fact that they’ve otherwise been twisted by selective breeding into deformed titty monsters able to lactate at industrial scales. While this is all great news for the farm’s resident bull, it’s quite inconvenient for all the baby cows who find themselves as little more than a byproduct of milk production and happen to be very tasty as veal.

As anyone with large boobies will attest, massive fuckin’ titties are kind of inconvenient. Especially before the invention of fitted bras able to contain the power of your super stuffed up milkies. So, it’s really no wonder that most species don’t evolve massive honger donger, doinky boinkies. Dead weight that putts you off balance and gets cancer all the time isn’t usually the key for evolutionary success.

But why humans? Why aren’t human women flat chested?

Why are boobs sexy?

The obvious answer is because men are more attracted to women with huge boobs. Women are more likely to find a husband and reproduce if they aren’t flat chested. But that just kicks the can down the road. Why do human men fetishize the part of the body that feeds babies? Isn’t that just a little weird?

You could say it’s to know the baby won’t starve. You can bet a woman with some serious honkers can make enough milk to feed a whole litter. So it’s evolutionarily advantageous for men to want to marry women with a real set of badonkers. 

But you could also say your baby is more likely to starve if your wife gets breast cancer and dies. Crippling chronic back pain probably isn’t great either. Besides, packin’ some dobonhonkeroes is not an indicator of milk production. Many women’s massive dohoonkabhankoloos are made mostly out of fat. Fat that’s there purely to make them look bigger. And even in humans, tonhongerekoogers still grow in preparation of lactation.

From Butts to Boobs

In fact, many evolutionary psychologists think that men are only attracted to bonkhonagahoogs because they happen to be the same shape as the posterior.

The butt is a very common region for mating displays in primates. Think of baboons with their giant brightly colored asses. The shape of one’s derrière is a good indicator of a good mate, especially in humans. 

Most species just pop out babies, no problem. But humans have abnormally narrow pelvises, so forcing a baby’s skull through that narrow gap is difficult and dangerous. Unfortunately, we can’t really evolve a pelvis wide enough to make birth easy. Overly wide hips don’t lend themselves well to the mechanics of walking on two legs. But there’s a sweet spot where you have wide hips that make birth slightly less likely to kill you. Albeit with the acceptable trade off of walking with a slightly less energy efficient strut. 

People with fat stores are also going to be better mates since it proves they aren’t currently starving to death. The trunk is a good place to store junk¹Junk
Noun
Informal: Y’all hauling whole ass suitcases in that trunk, daaamn. It’s near your center of gravity, you can use it as a portable cushion, etc.

Having some muscle in your gluteus maximus will also make this fat store perkier. So a perky behind means you’re healthy enough to hike around all day long gathering nuts and berries. That or you do a lot of squats. Either of which have often been considered important wife skills.

The Sexy Shape

Hence, human males evolved to be the most attracted to women with bodacious booties shaped by a wide pelvis and fat propped up by a bit of muscle. Evolution happened to do this by making men attracted to the general silhouette more than anything else. Hence why men can be aroused by a drawing of a bahookie, not the abstract concept of wide pelvises and a healthy lifestyle. 

This might also be where the traditional bi-lobed heart symbol (<3) comes from. Cause it sure doesn’t come from the shape of the actual heart. Someone literally just drew a minimalist representation of a woman’s clunge and said it’s the symbol of love. They even turned it upside down and said it’s a heart²the heart isn’t even in charge of love, it just pumps blood, but I know what he was doing. He tricked everyone into putting literal pornography everywhere in plain sight. Based. If we lived in a matriarchy all our valentine’s day cards would be cut into the shape of a dick and called a spleen.

Coincidentally, lactating women happen to have these things on the front of the body that have the same sexy shape. Y’know, their mammary glands. 

Obviously, cavemen prefer to mate with people when they can see the sexy shape on both the back and the front. That’s twice as much sexy shape, and it gives you something to look at while they’re nagging at you. And… that fulfills my quarterly boomer humor quota.

So women evolved to start growing their humongous hungolomghnonoloughongous at puberty instead of pregnancy. 

So yeah, boobs literally evolved out of a pregnancy fetish. Stop calling yourself an “ass man” or a “boobs man”. You’re literally just attracted to the same thing; the sexy shape!